A Safe Place to Talk about Hard Things

I saw a bus ad for The Dr. Phil Show yesterday. It had a big picture of Dr. Phil, and the tag line, “The Safe Place to Talk about Hard Things”. And I thought: Is The Dr. Phil Show good TV? Maybe. Does it normalize mental illness and reduce the stigma of asking for help? One can hope.

Is it the safe place to talk about hard things?

No way.

First off, the show can never be a safe place. A “safe place” is private, confidential. You feel safe because you are sharing your “hard things” with people whom you trust completely. It is a supportive and nurturing environment. Perhaps most importantly, you know that whomever you share your troubles with will never disclose the information to anyone, certainly not someone who would be less than supportive.

A safe place on national TV? Impossible.

And even if the show was a safe environment, it’s not a good place to talk about the hard things in your life.

There are so many people out there who have endured hardship, who are currently suffering. It is so hard to reach out, to ask for help, to find someone who cares enough to hear your cry. It is too easy to grasp at straws: if only I could go on The Dr. Phil Show and talk about my troubles, then I will be alright.

So instead of actually going and getting help, energy and focus is lost on something that will never come.

And even if someone is lucky, and gets on The Show, then what? Healing takes time. Even the greatest therapists in the safest spaces can only go so far and so fast; change is long and hard, and comes only from within. I would doubt that any lasting change comes out of being on the show.

About a year ago I went to see The Dr. Phil Show live in the studio in Los Angeles. A woman had gone through a horrific experience which was related and replayed in gory detail for the world to see. Dr. Phil was warm, caring, and understanding. I’m sure the experience was cathartic, and the world knew that she was a hero, but the only lasting thing that came from that experience was when Dr. Phil offered to pay for a good therapist for this woman.

The therapy room – now that’s a safe place to talk about hard things. Or at least it can be, and should be. A therapist can and should provide a nurturing, safe environment for the client to speak about anything and everything. Free of judgment, full of understanding, and dedicated to growth at all costs.

If you are in therapy, and you don’t feel that way about your experience, tell your therapist. Let him or her know that you don’t feel nurtured, comfortable, or safe. Because if you don’t feel that way, you won’t share what you are really feeling, your deepest fears, shames, and secrets. And where there are secrets in therapy, there is little growth. Honesty is the grit which paves the road of growth.

So find your safe place. Talk about your hard things. God knows we need to talk about our hard things.

We are all stars of our very own reality show, with a very small audience. Some viewers watch an episode or two, but only one person knows the whole story.

Be your own hero.