Don’t Let Your Kids Get Away With This

Many moons ago, I was a counselor in Camp Mogen Avraham. One of the most remarkable things about Mogen Av is the extensive training and supervision that the staff receive (also, it was a lot of fun. It’s camp, after all). The training I received over those years was formative for me in my current work as a psychotherapist.

One summer, there was a campaign that encouraged counselors and other staff to notice and encourage positive behavior. The campaign was called “Catch Them Being Good” - notice when you see a camper do something positive, even and especially if this was a difficult camper.

We even had wristbands to give out that said “I was caught being good at Camp Mogen Av.”

The point was to notice and reward simple positive behaviors, things that many children would be doing anyway. Throwing something in the garbage. Coming on time. Hanging up a bathing suit to dry on the clothesline before putting it in the laundry bag (our noses thank you). Sportsmanlike conduct. You get the point.

These were simple things, not necessarily what we would call praiseworthy behaviors. But the goal was to cultivate and grow positive behaviors, and it worked pretty well.

Translate this to parenting. We adults are critically minded, and we notice the bad so much more than the good. We do this with ourselves, and we do this with others, especially children. Children bear the brunt of criticism and negative focus, and you better believe this has a critical impact on their self-esteem.

Why should we, though? Why praise a child for doing something as simple as putting a toy away? Shouldn’t they - as parents love to tell me - “be doing that anyway”?

It’s as simple as this. A child who enjoys the good in himself will feel pride and hope. A child who notices more of the bad in himself may feel ashamed and hopeless. Which feelings do you think will lead to growth?

We adults have this dynamic as well (we’re basically children in adult-sized bodies, anyway). When we enjoy our positive aspects, we motivate ourselves to change. When we fixate on our negative parts, we shame ourselves and stay stuck.

We have so much that is worth celebrating. We can celebrate milestones, of course, but we can also celebrate any little aspect of ourselves that we feel like celebrating. It doesn’t matter if others would approve of your celebration. So celebrate getting out of bed this morning. Throw yourself a mental party for throwing out the garbage. Dance a jig for going on a jog. You’re doing all these positive things anyway - you may as well enjoy them!

Any reason for a celebration is a reason worth celebrating.

Today’s celebration - this is my 100th post on Spiritual Sofa! It's been two years since Nefesh asked me to inaugurate the blog page with a weekly blog on the Nefesh website. It's been a long ride, and it's not over yet! See the first post here.