In Memory of Rabbi Dovid Sharfman

I’ve heard it said that it’s not the lesson a teacher teaches that stays with you. What you most remember is how they make you feel.

With Rabbi Sharfman, this was only partly true. I certainly remember how he made me feel, but there was also one lesson of his that has stayed with me these thirteen years since I attended Yeshiva Toras Chaim of Miami.

I wasn’t in Rabbi Sharfman’s shiur (class), but he made me feel valuable, interesting, and worthy. Even when he engaged in the tiresome task of waking me up in the morning (often more than once), I always felt valued as a person.

But there was also one particular lesson of his that stuck with me. It was from a weekly mussar shiur - one of many classes he gave that focused on character development.

One week, the topic of the class was derech eretz - literally “the way of the land,” a concept usually understood to mean respect for others. I had always thought of derech eretz as an admonition to not be rude to my friends, and to treat my betters with deference.

That’s all true, said Rabbi Sharfman, but derech eretz goes much further than that. We are tasked with treating all human beings in a way that respects not just them, but the idea that they are people.  It means acknowledging others on the street, or in the elevator, or in the supermarket. Not just because we are nice out-of-town people from Miami, but because we respect the fact that we are sharing space with another human being.

Rabbi Sharfman gave two more specific examples. If you’re in the barber’s chair, it’s too easy to go through the entire haircut without acknowledging the person who is cutting your hair. But that is a form of disrespect - we are disregarding the presence of another human being. If we pay attention, we can give all of humanity the respect that their status deserves.

And then Rabbi Sharfman said something that gave me pause: If you really want to practice derech eretz, make your bed in the morning.

Why? What does making your bed have to do with respect?

Well, Rabbi Sharfman continued, making your bed acknowledges your roommates! It’s nice to live in a space where others care enough to straighten up and make their beds. It’s not as pleasant when beds are messy. And making your bed takes only a few seconds. It’s an easy way to practice acknowledging the fact that we share space with other human beings.  

This may be an obvious point to some, but to this kid from Brooklyn it was news. I started making my bed that very next day, and I have done so every day since. Even when I don’t share a room, I consider making my bed an important part of my morning routine. In the absence of others, making my bed is respect for myself.

I’ve also made it a point to try to strike up a conversation when sharing space with other people. This has led to countless conversations with cab drivers, barbers, and even subway passengers. These occasions have become pockets of joy, little moments that add to my quality of life immeasurably.

It’s how teachers make you feel that you remember. But sometimes it’s what they teach that can change your life for the better.

May Rabbi Sharfman’s memory be a blessing to his family and to all those fortunate enough to have crossed his path.