How to Inspire Change
Reading the newspaper Thursday evening, the headline jumped out at me. How could it be? A respected clinician, using such a word? (Especially after I just wrote a blog post about it last week?)
The headline read “Pathetic…” and the brief piece mentioned some couple’s behavior that seemed disconnected and unhealthy. Fair enough. But the word choice bothered me. We all speak this way. It’s a part of our vernacular, our everyday speech. Sometimes a word is just a word. But often it’s much more. Often we use harsh words to shock, to influence, to convey the thought that something is wrong, something must be changed.
Maybe I’m overreacting, but if change is the goal, shaming words like “pathetic” are not the way to get there.
Shame does not inspire. Shame does not motivate.Shame traps us in feelings of unworthiness, when we need to feel worthy of improving. Shame tells us we are not enough, when we need to love ourselves and find the inner courage to change.
Reb Simcha Bunim of P’shiskha famously taught that every person should have two pockets. In one, a note saying bishvili nivra ha’olam, the world was created for my sake. In the other, anokhi afar va’efer, I am but dust and ashes. One must know how to use them, each one in its proper place and right time. For many make the mistake of using them in their opposite applications.