Not Everything is Mom’s Fault

When I was applying to grad school, therapists had a bad rap. “I can’t send my son to therapy,” one mother said to me. “He’ll just learn to blame me for his problems.”

Others shared their anecdotes of angry teenagers who, post therapy, cut off relationships with their parents. And after I spoke with a well-known psychologist after shul one day, a fellow congregant remarked, “Do you like him? I hear he turns kids against their parents.”

I didn’t like to hear this misperception, but I understand where it comes from.

Therapists learn about child development, healthy and unhealthy. We know what bad parenting looks like. And we pick up on the nuances of how children perceive their parents’ behaviors. And so, when we witness parenting which can hurt a child, we react. And yes, some react badly.

But the truth is that it’s easy - too easy - to blame a child’s misbehavior on bad parenting. The lines are too easy to draw. The arguments are too easy to make. But no one gets better that way. And this kind of blaming demonstrates a misunderstanding of the role of parents, and it disregards the nature of our limits as human beings.

Donald Winnicott, an English psychoanalyst and pediatrician, introduced the concept of the “good enough mother.” This is the mother who relies on her own instincts to care for her child, but in the end is prone to “failures” (actual or perceived). These failures, occurring due to the natural limitations of a fallible human caregiver, help children “adapt to external realities” (the limits of the external world).

In other words, the fallibility of a caregiver and the child’s displeasure with this reality is a part of the natural development of a child.

When an angry child (of any age) comes to therapy, it is important to allow said child to give voice to that anger, even when it is often directed at his parents. But the treatment cannot stop there. True healing comes about when the child can realize that his parents did the best they could with the tools that they had. And, short of situations of abuse or neglect, I find that to be largely true.

We do the best that we can with the tools that we have.

Sometimes those tools include asking for guidance, attending parenting classes, or going to therapy ourselves. But we are fallible. We can only do the best that we can. And that, Dr. Winnicott says, is good enough.

So, this Mother’s Day, get your mother a card. Give her a kiss. Remember that she was good enough (and tell her that she was more than that). Thank her for giving up her days and nights, her hopes and dreams, her sweat and tears, all to care for you.

Keep her on your good side. Especially if she’s paying for your therapy.