The Shoulds

Many of my clients find it helpful to identify the Shoulds in their life. “I Should be nicer to my sister”, they say. Or “I Should be skinnier”, or “I Shouldn’t have this donut”.

While these may be good goals, the effect of the Should is to bring judgment into our self-perception. I Should be this way, and I am not, therefore – here’s the core issue – I am Not Good Enough right now. And that’s a real shame.

The truth is that there are no Shoulds. There is no number on the scale that equals Good Enough. There are many times that it’s understandable to be less than nice to family members. And donuts are okay, especially Boston Crème.

But we don’t allow ourselves to be human. We use shaming language; words like Bad, Pathetic, Gross. “I’m so bad, I Shouldn’t be eating this”. How many times have you heard that? Too many times, I bet.

Let’s try to get rid of the Shoulds in our life today. One alternate way of thinking is that of intent.

Here’s my example: I’m heading to the Nefesh Conference in a few hours. Should I be there on time? I intend to be there on time. But it will be okay if I am not. Should I network with colleagues? I plan to, but it will be ok if I don’t. Should I attend all the great presentations? I would like to, but it’s physically impossible, since many of them happen at the same time. It will be okay if I attend only one at a time. And it will even be okay if I decide to skip a presentation and enjoy the company of my friends instead.

Don’t Should on yourself today.